We all know the importance of good friends. They offer companionship and support, make us feel valued and secure, and contribute to our happiness.  So it’s no surprise that having friends can boost our mental and physical health. What may be a surprise is that dozens of studies have shown that having friends is so beneficial to our well-being that it can help us live longer.

In contrast, a lack of friends and especially finding oneself with no friends at all, can create terrible feelings of loneliness, isolation, and depression. It can even make us question our own worth. This distressing situation is difficult to deal with at any age.

Common reasons for losing friends

Losing friends can happen gradually or suddenly and there are many contributing factors. Working remotely, changing careers, transitioning from school to work, major life events, disagreements, and family responsibilities are all common causes for friends to slip away.  Many of us just do not have the time or energy that we once had to devote to friends. Often, we are so exhausted by our daily obligations that the idea of going out to see a friend is far less appealing than an evening in PJs in front of the TV.

The impact of social media

Compounding this situation is that social media enables us to feel like we are doing a decent job of keeping in touch through Likes and Comments. However, this form of communication is not nearly as good for our relationships, or happiness, as the conversations we used to have. In fact, a study out of the University of Kansas found that connecting with a friend in person to just “catch up, joke around or tell them you’re thinking of them, can increase your happiness and lower your stress level by day’s end.”  And, apparently, a phone call will do.

When your partner becomes your only friend

It can take several years to realize that our circle of friends has dwindled or disappeared. If we are married or in a marriage-like relationship, we may not even notice or care that much, at first. This is because our partner may have become the source of everything our friends once provided. Over time, this can place a lot of demands on the relationship and even damage it. As well, it can be a recipe for disaster if there is no-one else to turn to for support and companionship should that all-important relationship end.

Fortunately, it is not the number of friends that matters most to our well-being, it is the quality of our relationships. One or two solid friendships can enhance our lives much more than a dozen friends we are not close to.

How to make new friends

People often ask me how to make new friends. I tell them that first, we need to create new opportunities to meet people. Second, we must acknowledge that the transition from strangers to acquaintances to friends is a delicate path to navigate.  It takes time and the desire to invest yourself in someone else’s life. Yes, there is a risk of embarrassment if the desire for friendship is not shared, but in my experience, the benefit of friendship is worth it.

As Belgium-American psychologist Esther Perel says, “Friendship starts at the nexus of chance and choice,” and she points out that for every four or so people we meet, only one may have the potential to become a friend. With those kinds of odds, it makes sense to create opportunities for friendship rather than wait for them to happen. So, how do we go about it?  Here are a few ideas to introduce you to new people — some of whom, with a little effort, and a little luck, may become friends:

• Join a group. Evaluate your interests and join a group that aligns with them. When considering possibilities, dig deep. For example, a local amateur theatre group needs more than just actors. It will need help with front of house, the set, hair and make-up, wardrobe, props, publicity, and more.
• Explore travel buddy opportunities. If you love to travel, not having a friend to travel with does not have to hold you back. Joining a solo travelers’ group will introduce you to people who share your passion to discover the world and meet new people.
• Volunteer. Consider your availability and any special skills or strengths you have and who they might serve. Then, reach out to all that apply such as hospitals, colleges, animal shelters, youth groups, seniors’ groups, food banks, etc. Your local municipality’s website may be a good place to start. You can feel good about making new friends and contributing to the community at the same time.
• Take a class. If you have been toying with the idea of yoga or Pilates, painting or pickle ball, there are almost certainly classes in your area run by community colleges and/or private establishments.
• Leverage social media. Explore MeetUp.com, Facebook groups, and others to discover the many possibilities available to you.  There are social groups you can find online that offer everything from hiking, to pickle ball, to trivia nights. If you can’t find what you’re looking for, why not start your own group? (Always exercise caution when connecting with strangers online.)
• Check your library and recreation centre for events and activities. Whether it’s through a flyer on the noticeboard that’s promoting a community event, or a program offered by the facility itself, these community hubs are a great source of information about local activities.

Be courageous!

It can be intimidating to start an activity or join a group by yourself, and it takes courage to foster new friendships. Yet, without action, things may never change. When in doubt, remind yourself that a happier and more rewarding life takes effort.  Be bold and make the first move. Your new best friend could be just around the corner, and incredibly grateful that you did.