Shame can feel like the dark side of yourself—an invisible cloak that clings to you. Although those around you may not see you wearing it, shame deeply impacts your thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and reactions. It is as though you are living with a terrible secret, constantly worried that it could be revealed at any moment, threatening your sense of safety.

The difference between shame and guilt

It is important to distinguish between shame and guilt. Shame is not the result of having done something wrong; that feeling would be guilt, which is an appropriate emotional response to specific actions. Instead, shame is a fundamental belief that you are not “enough”—that you are inherently flawed and may be discovered at any moment. Because of this belief, when something goes wrong, you might overreact in an attempt to protect your reputation and your sense of self. Others may see this as you crumbling or becoming defensive.

The source of shame

Shame is not present because of what others have done to you, but rather because of what you say to yourself. You may convince yourself that others will judge and reject you, but in reality, you likely judge yourself more harshly than anyone else. You become your own worst critic, torturing yourself with a poor opinion of who you are.

Steps to letting go of shame

Letting go of shame begins with recognizing its presence in your life. It may have caused you to either over-function or under-function in various situations. Seeking out a therapist can be helpful, as they can support you in understanding the origins of your shame and help you see that it is often a byproduct of pain.

The journey to letting go of shame involves telling your story, processing the pain, and learning to value yourself. Developing compassion for yourself is the beginning of this path—a journey towards self-acceptance and healing.